Mike was my hero and his death destroyed me. It capped off a lifetime of loss. All of my life had been spent around power and turmoil and drama. It was luxurious; full of dirty money and prescription drugs. Mike made me see how petty the overages of life were. I focused in on the subject of reforming foster care because of what I learned about his life. I’m still recovering from my early existence, having been deprived of my parents at young ages due to separate suicides. The gross of my experiences were nothing compared to his. 90% of children and teens in foster or systematic care have tragically similar stories.
Mike and I bonded immediately. We had one very intimate thing in common. Both of our fathers were out of their minds. They each tried to kill us.
The accident was exactly that. It took everyone completely by surprise. 19-year-old Mike being killed in a car crash wasn’t even on my radar. He had only had a forever home for three years. God I was mad at God. I thought that this was it. After everything I had to live through, I thought doing a documentary about the sides of foster care, emphasizing how to reform it was my mission. As soon as I got involved, I felt chosen. Like I had a true purpose and it was bigger than I ever imagined.
Initially I channeled my grief into working on the project but I had lost my editor. I continued to try to keep up my blog and my social media posts. It felt so empty I stopped. The rug got pulled out from under me in a way that hurt worse than my mother dying days before my wedding.
I helplessly sank lower. With an added painful medical diagnosis, it was awful. Whereas I had felt like the universe was conspiring in my favor, I lost my faith in anything intangible. Anger, pain and negative feelings came up whenever I thought about it. I tried but couldn’t even watch my own footage. I spent the next two years on the couch.
The past few years have been a blur. I’m still coming out of it. My energy level is starting to pick up. Covid profoundly challenged the climb. How must this entire socio-political climate impacted the situation? My mind turns constantly. Especially when I don’t want it to. The price of my faith being restored. As it turns out, the universe does have a job for me. I have to embrace my natural talents to be a yenta and a disrupter. To get loud about advocacy and finish my documentary because it is important. I used to think that I owed it to Mike. The truth is I owe it to myself to follow through on what I know to be true. Mike opened my eyes and woke my soul.
There are hundreds of thousands of kids that my voice can help. Even if it is only one person, one life positively affected because I shot my mouth off, it’s an honor.
I feel like a vessel for divine purpose again. The thoughts I have are mindfully more positive and I strive for good, happy feelings now. Every morning I pray. In my own way. I made my peace to the best of my ability. The power I am praying to is everything. The universe, nature, a divine entity and my guardian angels including Mike. I have the opportunity to do something important. I feel ready for further instructions. All of my beloved dead will dance in celebration. I found my voice. Books and film are a platform for reaching masses. Now, I must decide what to do with it next.