So this happened…

Wow I didn’t realize how much I missed writing until just now. I’ve been feeling weak and unable to concentrate long enough to make it through a sentence. It’s being handled by professionals but without major surgery, there’s no end in sight to my physical pain. My emotional pain can often be more crippling; causing me to seize up, fold in on myself and withdraw from life. That is common to many people with anxiety/depression when they are mentally overtasked or experience extended periods of the worst symptoms of the disease.

Lucily I am working with a wonderful therapist who knows how to engage me and integrates my husband or son into some of our sessions. She’s truly a credit to the profession I had washed my hands of; therapy. With her help, I stepped though the fear and am facing myself and what I am passionate about. Dealing with the things I cannot change but are constant challenges. It’s frustrating and scary at times. No matter how much I think I’ve evolved, I’ve backslid due to physical reasons kicking off PTSD symptoms. One was a sexual assault that happened about 20 years ago I never properly processed. Or reported to officials because I knew the retrobution it world bring. I didn’t come from a traditional family; I came from THE family. With that burden, I knew without a doubt the moment they learned what happened, people would be dispatched to rape and torture him to death. Mobbed-up guys really don’t like it when you try to rape their little prinesses. I couldn’t live with that, so I had to protect this junior varsity semi-celeb Jeremy Piven or nothing I said or did would’ve stopped his execution.

Instead, I told my closest friends about the attack at the time it happened. As time went on, I told everyone I knew, anybody who would listen. Including the younger brother of my HS boyfriend. He’s come onto me for years and we joked a bit but mostly I just ignore it. We’re really only friends on fb. Once I saw him a few years ago because I needed a ride home from the airport. But I’ve been having some extreme PTSD symptoms of late and not thinking with as much caution as usual. The other day, this little putz decides he’s going to get a rise out of me and sadly, he did.

After some verbal insults that were uncalled for and crowing about his doing so well and dining with celbrity chefs on fb messenger. I told him I didn’t care. I was raised around money and spent the early 90’s in LA, celebrity doesn’t impress me. In fact, I’ve turned them all down. I wasn’t impressed, so he types “Jeremy Piven says hi.” I asked what?! How could you bring that up? He hurt me and tried to rape me. I mean it was malicious, what other motivation could explain such behavior? Fuck you and your money, leave me alone was my response and I don’t know why but trying to explain how bad what he did was. He said I was always bragging about it, that’s how ignorant this nimrod is. And so pathetic to go there. I contacted his brother and let him know what was going on and can he please help me stop it. No response. Tried several times as my anger intensified. I texted to please just re that he saw the messages. Nothing. It really set me off. Then I saw my texts turn from blue like iphone to iphone to green with the ‘sent as text message’ tag. I never treated him with anything but respect.

I called my sister and told her. She in turn told me that this little creep said we hooked up while I was married, on the ride from the airport he claims I manually serviced him and then did more at the apartment. All I could see is red. Even if it were not about my marriage, I still would never, ever touch him in a sexual way. We talked about sex once; since he was always trying to engage a sexual conversation I asked if he really wanted to have sex with me or just the girl you saw with your brother during puberty? I meant are you serious because it will never happen.

Admittedly, I’ve had a lot of drugs administered in my day, but never thorazine or ruffies and that’s what it would take for the little man to even have a chance with me. It set off all the ptsd alarms at once. I started shaking. I began to ignore the incoming messages; including one claiming he complained to fb about me and they should check my account due to telling him to fuck off. I hope someone does look me up; maybe they are meant to raise awareness too and will see exactly what I stand for.

This idiot picked the wrong person to mess with and intentionally make an enemy. How dare anyone, least of all a man who never experienced it, throw a sexual assault in someones face saying they bragged about it. I’ve told a LOT of people and not one thought I was bragging. What was I bragging about? Was that about the crazy childhood where I was being prepared what to do if I’m kidnapped, how to kill someone with things in any bathroom at around 5 and lived in paranoia or that I had to choose to prevent a murder of the guy who violently tried to rape me?

It was the worst possible timing for me to be abe to just blow this off. I’m already in hormonal free fall as many are from the coming eclipse. Plus I had to report a child abuse case, I’m in terrible pain and can barely even write. However, nothing holds my attention like outrage and I guess I have to thank Mark for getting me mad enough to fight through my condition right now and find out what legal recourse I have. And I made it clear that he, knowing about the ptsd, my assualt and both my parents suicides would be criminally negligent with intentional infliction of emotional distress lying about me in print to my sister who saved the messages which is both slander and laible or outright trying to get me to hurt myself. And I keep thinking it, he really went for blood, so yes I am safe but can’t take anymore. Nobody seems to understand how hard it is not to just end it when I’m suffering this badly. But that’s not my path. I so badly want to run down this path, knowing my parents are at the end of it. Children of suicides have some rediculously high rate of killing themselves.

I’m struggling as it is and I refuse to take anybody’s shit. He picked the absolute worst timing. Plus I’m an advocate and activist for myself as well. I cannot change the past but I can make my present however I want it to be. Ill or not, I made a comittment to myself I would see this through, both Kindred about foster care reform and the two other subjects we know too much about; sexual assault and suicide. For myself too. Why would I allow this nobody to get any space in my mind? But I couldn’t help it. It took over and did actual damage. Damage that is all his fault. This is part of purging it and on a public setting, more people will see it.

As tough as it gets, I’m built and programmed to survive it. As furious as I am, I do see how loathsome he is and that lie was pathetic. You must be emotionally bankrupt to torment anyone; especially someone who knows I’ve been public about how tenuous my health has become.  I refuse to carry this one second longer and am purging here instead. Besides he’s always been the Fredo of the family. That doesn’t mean his behavior is excusable, but I won’t torture my ex for the sins of his brother. I have to prioritize my issues and this is one not worth my precious energy.

After this, I will do my best to let it go. Only I have this really ugly streak I seem to have been born with and it’s my temper. It leads me to rightious indignation. Usually I keep it on a leash but it’s broken free of that restraint. All I can do is use my artistic skill to give myself some closure. And muzzle myself from here on out; until its time for me to get interviewed about sexual assaults and one of the reasons women don’t come forward. Being belittled or embarrassed, but that’s all crap. I did nothing to get assaulted and certainly don’t deserve to being taunted with it.

The view from the high road is beautiful but not as satisfying as imagining him being trampled or burned with wildfire or as a snack for a dragon. Yes I watch a lot of Game of Thrones. If I honor myself and what is for my greatest good, I must forget about this stupidity and focus on my purpose. Please send some love and strength as I am facing a mountain of challenges so high I can’t even see the top. So I’ll focus my steps on the climb and not what’s awaiting at the summit. Even if it means standing on his pinhead to get a foothold, I will transcend. I’ll let karma sort out the rest.


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