For a variety of reasons, it’s time to end this blog and begin the next phase of it’s and my development. Did it all really happen? It can feel so surreal. I’ve experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows, sincerely and comparitively speaking. My God. The idea originated as doing Mike’s story as his baby shower gift. In learning most of it, I found we had something very unique in common; both of our biological fathers had tried to kill us. Mine was a paranoid schizophrenic and his a violent alcoholic, but it is uncommon.
That’s one heavy stone to bond over, but it soon became the foundation for Mike’s trust in me and our conversations. It was the footing for intimacy in sharing personal experiences. I remember thinking more than once when speaking to him that this was proof that there is a God, he and I survived. Despite all of the odds, we survived; it had to be for a reason. I do the best I can to hold onto that while I do my best to be the kind of person who never questions if they love themselves. Not greed or indulgence but actual love, the healthy kind. Mike passing in such a sudden fashion has made me question everything.
There have been a series of medical issues that have been plaguing me for months. I can write in almost any condition but servere pain robs me of perspective. It’s like holding a loaded gun in your hands; it’s impossible to not be consumed by it, it becomes impossible to think of anything else. Now, we’ve passed the holidays and today is my 45th birthday. Wow. Honestly, I’m amazed that I made it. Almost every circumstance to lower the chances of my survival have befallen my life yet I’m too damned stubborn to give up. Life is what I make of it and I have some wonderful ideas, I’m so very grateful to be here to implement them.
The greatest honor of my life is and will always be being a mother. I haven’t always been the mother I wanted to be but I do the best I can. My son is the most precious thing in the world to me and I’m truly in awe of the fact that I brought such a good hearted person into this world. No matter what he ends up doing, I know he will always be doing something to help others. He is the reason I was born, but there are so many things I love and get to go back into doing now that he is in his mid-teens.
But first on the list is to celebrate today! 45 years ago today the whitest baby you ever saw was born in the most unlikely place in America, the Washoe reservation in Reno, NV. And I think of my parents with a happy heart; I know how loved and wanted I was. I’m blessed to have had my parents. Nothing was normal or traditional, but they cared. They loved me more than themselves. Learning all I have in the process of researching and producing the interviews; it’s heart wrenching how many people don’t come into the world loved.
The day we got our 9000 donation and the days that followed were some of the absolute happiest I have ever experienced and I must again thank our anonymous donor. It was a wonderful feeling; so excited and hopeful. I celebrate that again today. I celebrate the brave family that got me here. I celebrate the glorious friends I have found. I celebrate that anything is possible and while we have yet to finalize what we wish to do with our interviews; it’s because of Mike that I took off on a tear to raise awareness about foster care. I celebrate him and his life as well, knowing him changed my entire way I chose to exist and I’m so grateful for it.
This must wrap up to make room for what is next, whatever that is. Even when I plan it, I know I’m just scribbling on the universe in pencil; life will do what it wants to do. I guess the key is living fully in those moments we do have control of and we have conrtol of most of them. In this moment I choose my music, my drink, my location, my attitude and my day to celebrate the anniversary of the day my beautiful mother brought me into the word. If people dislike the term birthday, that’s cool but I enjoy it. I worked hard to traverse the obstacle course I was born into and all things considered, I choose to be proud of myself. My scales are heavily tipped to good and there is so much more good work to be done. In our new normal, my partner and I must find our ways to be the people we are to become. I will love and be there for her everyday of our lives. All my beloved dead will dance here today in celebration of a woman who found she has a voice and platform for reaching masses and now, must decide to do with it next.