KINDRED #91

What can be said about the past six months; it’s been surreal and surreal is a place I know well from my mother’s sudden death when I went from sheltered and financially dependent due to medical reasons; to a world collapse. Mike passing reminded me of that kind of shock and the sensations in brings up in me. I’ve re-established with a good NYU trained psychiatrist and a therapist the does cognitive, hypnosis and can do emdr but is reasearching it more. He explained to me that it’s a great therapy for a single trauma but considering the large number I have, it could make it worse. But it’s very cool he comes to my home. This week we are doing a two hour so we have time to get into a meditative state and work on whatever comes up.

This being the holidays, I’m in a generous mood. My son tests that often, putting in the absolute least effort required at home. At school he really participates and I’m grateful for that. Why do some boys get it that they need to keep neat and others who find genius in chaos? I have the latter but he’s 15, I want him to be 15. A bit more responsibly than he has done, but the foundation for being able to go out into the world and take care of himself. At his age, I was having consentual sex so please, I’m totally grateful for the reverse in his genetic engine. It’s just time he began to truly transition. Despite it all I’m going to miss him terribly. He’s been my world since the day I knew he was coming. In the basest term, I’m grateful I have my son here with me. I have to force myself not to think about it but the truth is life can change in an instant. And does.  I suppose I’m feeling what would be called an identity crisis but I know who I am and what my plans are after he is in school; writing full-time and getting back into acting, at least commercials. My look finanly seems popular as the “young mom catagory age”.

I’m pretty medicated right now. No bother in saying on which, but I have a vapor pen nearby. So, I’ll be totally honest. I’m terrified to do some of these therapies exercises. My fear is so wired in, he asked me to describe a world without it and aside from the fantasy  rainbows and gumdrops, I couldn’t. It’s that deep in me. But confronting it is one of the hardest, intimidating and most necessary thing’s I’ve ever done. Be so as it may. I’m facing it in a new way than before. I know that I can handle it and complete the project, with Rachel’s help on it on whatever level she is comfortable. I’m so proud of her and her spouse Tyson; you baffle me daily with your perseverance. I hold you both in my heart along with Mike, who will be occupying a special place in my soul.

I’m afraid, I’m really afraid but I’m facing myself anyway.And I want to be a good person. Even really good ones slip from time to time. I recently ratted out a woman who has attacked me by saying I faked a miscarriage, demanded my exclusion from events and demeaned my child for years from calling him a pussy, gay, letting him watch adult programming and reading a text out loud that I privately sent to her and that’s how my kid found out his only grandma was dead, because she read my private coorespondence in front of two other adults present and two kids. 

Maybe one day I’ll get past it but for now, I caught her sneaking around with another man, other than she wrecked two homes to have. I knew and I waitied and waited and suppressed the rage but eventually boom. I finally told her boyfriend and said I was sorry but I would have trouble keeping that secret for a friend, much less her. And I was wrong. I was angry so I took it out on someone who, yes deserves it, but was not my place and not worth it. Keep it simple Amy, you get wound easily enough. And an out breath.

I’m far, far from perfect. Admittedly. Yet I really do try. I care everyday and genuinely want to make this world a better place than I found it. I’m everything I’ve survived; murder attempt, suicides, complete medical reconstruction, sexual assault but I haven’t really fully dealt with the grief of those incidents. It’s time to walk through the fire to get to my next phase of being. And rid myself of these emotional weights forever.

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