I am committing to hitting one hundred entries by New Years. I only need eleven, but the conflict of emotion makes expressing myself delicate at best. I have to be honest since whoever reads this entry has a chance to make a true impact; I feel like giving up. I desperately wanted to make an important indie documentary that would be a key to a gate holding back hundreds of thousands of kids in foster care. I feel like I lost already, I tried and failed. My first mission and I failed. But I have to remember that sneaky consistency of show biz, it ain’t over and nobody is out until they are OUT. A project isn’t dead until the entire team putting it together is literally deceased and even then, you never know. This journey will come to a closure organically. As hopeless as I feel I know it’s temporary.
There were too many assumptions of assistance in pre-production, as I said I have an ex who has a full facility that I knew wanted to see me succeed. Only like life surprised me with the opportunity to do KINDRED, it surprised him with a soulmate and baby. I didn’t feel appropriate inserting myself even in a professional capacity to their new family. Then there was lack of consistent support during and post-production but this was all my idea, so, it’s all on me. Something always went wrong. Maybe I only wanted to imagine myself as a liberator of sorts but without the stones to do the deed and take all the shit that comes with naturally going against the grain brings.
No, I actually want to make the change. I enjoy being amused but don’t belive in creating drama for no reason. And I beyond have the stones. It’s not easy to be an true individual in the first place, much less one who puts their heart on the line for the consumption of the masses all in hopes that some kids get help. Much more pragmatic than a martyr, a princess warrior poet. That’s what I wish that I could be, keep trying to be. And when I use the term princess, it’s not of condensation to the socio-economic classes of anybody, it’s just a type. It’s regal to hold the hopes of so many fallen generations. It’s lonley and reassuring at the same time.
This week is always my worst, no matter how far in my journey I find myself. I’m much more in control of the anguish and resentment, feeling my family made no real roots for our family. And finding a way to be okay with my dad having killed himself on November 23, ironically on my best friends birthday and two days after his own. I was barely two years old and do have partial memory. This year I refuse to be a victim to it. It will no longer rule any part of my life. It used to. My household never saw an uneventful, happy thanksgiving save one or two. My mom would have horrible PTSD and make everybody in the house crazy. Often dinner was just called off or walked out on. On the other end of the spectrum, she had a hell of a sense of humor. The years we went to Hyatt Regency’s and had food fights are some of my favorite memories. I could exist in one of those carefree nights for eternity. All I ever wanted was what I perceived as normal. Or at least not to feel so afraid of any agressive noise.
So I decided to baby myself with one nicety a day at least and reprogram how I perceive the meaning of this time. I choose to redefine my experience of it, and the feelings it evokes. My husband is helping, cooking almost anything I could want and reminding me how proud he is of the person I have become. No perfection but always good intentioned. It should be a time for silly celebration with the family I chose and made, not mourning an existence that I’m better off without.
These issues will never get light, but as time goes, I carry less of them and forget more often. I want to forget; to be in the present moment creating a new memory. So each year, I visualize myself checking another bag of fun and lighten my load. I invite the universe to take this weight. So I hold myself and invite you to hold me to doing one calm kindness for myself once a day this week to help make it stick. If involuntarily torturing myself didn’t work, it makes sense to try the opposite and since there’s no down side, why not give it all I can. I’m the one who has to live with me, I wish to make that place as happy as possible.
On the plus side, the three of us going out to a nice buffet means no drunken political debate or passive aggressive warfare between relatives, and that is priceless. Piece of mind is the most precious commodity in life, it enables all the other good things. I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving! We have so much to be grateful for while we wade trepidatiously into our new presidential administration. I know I do and they are very basic; I am blessed with basic needs, good medical attention, true love from family and friends. At the same moment I just wrote that, I began to cry, realizing the thing that I want the most I cannot have. As grateful as I am for all I have, I want to lean in and have to stand on my toes a bit to put my arms around my dad and hug him. For once.