I’ve been feeling very adrift lately. I mustered so much passion to put into pre-promoting KINDRED and connecting with other agents involved in foster care. But I’m not ready to go back to it, it hurts too much. Instead of punishing myself for things not working out the way I had planned, I have to give myself credit for the awareness I raised and gratitude for the wonderful people I met in this preliminary process. It’s been an honor to listen to and embrace some of the bravest, best people I have ever met.
Due to a combination of factors, my body just feels beat up. I have very little energy and just getting into the shower or into the groove of the day seems arduous. These are classic symptoms of depression which I have already taken the steps to get help coping with. The thing is, I’m not a depressed person chemically, I’m an anxious neurotic. So my nervous system is totally confused. Internal conflict is a sign that I am actually working through the experience and not just numbing it. So that is actually a good thing.
An unexpected development occured during this haitus/mourning period. My teenage son also loves and studies film and theater. He’s taking advanced level courses in both including editing! Even proficient on my software, talk about a gift from the universe. An in house slave-labor editor! I mean he is 15 so I don’t expect all smooth sailing, but he loves showing off how much better he is at the technical aspects of the craft, so I’ll let him show me up all he wants. Besides, as his parent, holding the keys to his kingdom doesn’t hurt. He can be even more stubborn than I am, that’s saying a lot.
I’m working on several other projects while we give this time to settle in and decide how to proceed. I’m glad they are re-writes, it’s very hard to concentrate. Just relaxing is a challenge for now. I have to constantly bring myself back to the present moment and that’s really frustrating. My whole life, detachment has been a coping mechanism. Escapism, fantasy, acting…as long as I didn’t have to be me in the here and now. I now know that is a waste of my mental energy and a terrible short end of the stick for my loved ones. So I am practicing just being, experiencing whatever the moment brings. Even if it’s painful, it’s not the only thing happening in that moment and if I detach, I could miss something meant for me to see. So I am being as brave as I can and facing those moments too.
I’ve been more quiet on social media as well. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Especially with your dander already roughed up. I found myself about to reply honestly but harshly to several things I saw posted but thought better of it. That’s not whom I choose to be. I want to use my natural ability to shoot my mouth off and be a pain in the ass for the causes I care about and not just to hear myself spout and vent. There’s enough of that in the world already. I want to be someone who makes a difference in a major way. I’m not sure of the path being so lost in unfamiliar territory. Ever since my muse, my inspiration died I’ve been in a fog. But I have faith that if I keep following my dreams and the sliver of guiding light he shines down on me, I’ll find my way to a place I never even imagined existed.