KINDRED #85

Everything is totally off the rails. I can see it like I was watching the events in a film. Rachel doing whatever she can to stay standing and me still slightly in shock but mostly moved on to anger. The production is completely shut down, including raising more funds by re-writing and decorating our indiegogo campaign. Rachel explained that she needs her son to just be her son and not a story because it’s all she has left of him and wants to focus on celebrating the time he had with his forever family and not the events of his early life. I completely understand conceptually. Only another destroyed mother can truly understand what my life-long friend is going through.

This is really confusing to me. Mike inspired this entire project, and I’ve got uncut interviews with many people who shared some real insight and first hand experience about being in the child welfare system. They were all awesome and I promised each one that their time was not wasted and that what they tell me will be used to create something that raises awareness. That excavating their souls on camera won’t be for nothing. But without him, the passionate wind pushing my sails has died too. I’m not a foster care expert nor am I a foster or adoptive parent. I’m just the writer and creator of a film and book project. I’m only the messenger. Without Mike and for now Rachel to help me craft the message, I feel like I fraud doing it alone.

The circumstances of my life have me so overwhelmed I feel a bit frozen in fear still. For the first few weeks I was just numb. My personal life is at a huge crossroads and I’m so frustrated by it all, I’ve actually begun unconsciously beating myself up. I was clipping doorways and banging my hands and feet on things. The coup de gras was when I walked into my bedroom wall, not once but twice to make sure I really hurt myself. The second time gave me a black eye that I have right now. Finally I got the message. Since then, I’ve been trying to be good to myself and much more careful when I walk around. Took a pound of make up to just make it lighter, there is no covering it up. And I feel like a total jack-ass.

I’m having real trouble with sleep. I haven’t gotten a straight eight since that middle of the night call telling me that the person I found so heroic and liberated me from the lifetime of lies I told myself about abandonment was dead. I feel honored that in the devastation, my friend reached out to me. I’m blessed that I got to be a part of this precious kids establishment and life. I truly bore witness to his trauma, his happy period and his exit from this life. It all feels so unreal and I feel unworthy of his magnificence but am enlightened by it. And this was all in a four year period, that’s it.

Only us. That’s what I told Rachel last night. The two words that keep echoing in my head. The women I am close with all have had the craziest circumstances befall them as well. The stuff that makes you just shake your head. Anyway, it’s not fun and really draining to work with daily. I have to find a way to pull it together and watch what I filmed. But not rush myself into something that truly repels me momentarily. This really has me turned around. I stopped making plans with people to go out or offer myself up for school volunteering. I can’t commit to anything more than what I have to do right now. And I was only exposed to the mushroom cloud of the bomb that was dropped on my partner.

In the beginning of this series, I was gushing over how good things can fall out of the sky too. After getting $9000 in one day during fundraising, I was blown away. We were so lucky I thought. I’m going to prove that good can win and luck is on my side. This is the long awaited epiphany. The universe was aligning for a path to my goal. Mike will get to see how powerfully he impacted me and inspired me to help impact others.Wow. Now it sounds silly. Hubristic. My ice cream cone got turn upside down completely. Most of the time I feel lost. There’s no app that guides this journey.

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