KINDRED #78

 

Things have definitely hit the interpersonal roller coaster. This is only good in the sense that my kid is in a very good school and treated respectfully on a serious production heavy study tract. As a mother, I feel that I am doing as good as I can. Being present and involved but not overbearing. But my marriage is in a such a state of paralysis, I don’t know if we can get it back on track ever again. I’ve been painfully honest about the lives of those around me. It’s only fair that I do the same to mine. And while I know that I’m not, it feels like I am the only one.

I’m not investing in making any accusations or confessions; suffice to say that I discussed it with the appropriate person and he and I decided we would call a whole bunch of outlandish bullshit even. I made many mistakes and with the beginning of my marriage coinciding with the death of my mother, I did plenty of stupid stuff in the pursuit of an escape from the pain. Seth’s a good guy and didn’t deserve what loving me at that time in my life must have felt like. I’m really displeased with the choices we made, but they are done. As loving parents, the best thing to do is move past it and take each day for what it is.

This whole Kindred thing is a great start but it’s not like it gives me an income. In fact, it expressly does not. My health has been an open topic and there’s just no way I will successfully work a traditional job. My medical circumstances are as sporadic as the nature of production. A month or two suck then everything is quiet for about six months, then a flareup has you knots. But I think I can combat that. If I really want something, I wind a way to get it done. I want to know what autonomy feels like, what it means. So I will attempt to get a job from home with one of the many companies that offer this option. Just google work from home and your city if you want to see. Add a company like JetBlue if you know that’s who you’d like to work for.

I’d like to continue on the path I’ve started down; bringing attention to three subjects Rachel and I feel strongest about talking about. They are obviously foster care, suicide and sexual assault. Light, pixie material, I know. It’s the only thing that I have felt this passionate about doing since I first discovered acting. Besides, I have been prepping for these, especially the suicide one, for my entire life. I look forward to setting the record straight and showing that while both my parents death’s were self-induced, they were not traditional suicides and were not done to abandon but protect. I waited until I was old enough to truly experience perspective to write seriously about my family history.

Which brings me back to my personal situation, moving forward creatively while in limbo on my relationship status. I need my own space. I can see no way cutting his one income in half when Ty’s needs are evolving. He is the most important thing in the world to me. All I know is that job 1 is providing my son with his needs met. As long as that is happening then I need to hold to my commitment to do everything on my end to housekeep and get ready for a rough cut being done. I should start going back through this blog, something a part of me dreads doing, and cringe while I delete frivolous entries and focus more on the important ones for us to string together as a loose narration and book accompaniment.

Most of all, I need to take real stock in my situation. Some people scream leave, some say cheat, others just keep the peace with a spouse they are out of love with. I know what my choice would be if I were at the ready point, but my family does work together and there is no fighting. My husband needs to relearn who he is in and of himself as do I. When my mother suddenly died, it was like a bomb exploded and he tried to catch as many important things as he could as they fell, cindered back to Earth. He did a valiant job. Now I want to be able to know that I can handle whatever happens with no co-dependance. Not a light self request at all.

One of the hardest things for me is that doing Kindred held up a mirror to my early childhood traumas and in some cases, relive them to an extent. It was like traversing a graveyard of my own creation holding all of the dark things that I ever thought or that ever happened. At times I thought I would break into sobbing pieces. Others I obsessed over revenge not taken, by choice or otherwise. But this is the closest that I have even been to being my true self. Moving past those graves. Thank you for that. I can’t wait to see what the Amy of tomorrow does either!

 

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