What happens when kids grow up without healthy, positive re-enforcement? They turn out like I was at my lowest or worse. I’ve done an excellent job of gluing the pieces I can together, but it’s still alive inside of me; at moments. The resentment, the anger, the loneliness and the hurt. I seldom thought of acting on any of those feelings, but I have to say they do exist. There’s one person here who has been trying to sabotage me out of jealousy for over a decade. I’m allowed to fantasize, vividly. But I choose to do my best to rise above; something I never observed or was raised to do. I usually know how to deal with anxiety, but this feels different. Working on KINDRED has connected with my inner child and apparently, it’s still hanging on to things that cannot do either of us any good. And my story is nothing compared to some of these disgusting perversions of children.
What must it be like to live in that resentment and true loneliness? To know you could be be abandoned or re-homed any moment of all day of every day. It doesn’t make my feelings invalid, but it does give me an incredible amount of perspective and gratitude. There’s my suburban hell and the bitches that inhabit it that I allowed to get to me. But I have to sell the cause to you people so I do get paranoid about my relate ability factor. That was until I realized we all have our own paths and considering mine could be a walk through an attraction for Halloween Horror Nights, I can see why I don’t fit in. What visionary ever has?
What does get my blood up is that the fight for foster care means nothing to most of the people I have encountered. Oh, they talk good game. They mention seeing my Facebook posts and how great it is that I’m(we’re)raising awareness. I say great, thank you, please share and contribute what you can. But they never seem to be able to actually contribute. That should be no surprise; everyone wants to sound like they will stand up for what’s right. Doing it is another matter entirely; as I learn more daily. In other words, my small minded, neurotic care for any of these people and their opinions is a distraction from my true purpose; to be a voice for these kids and a vehicle for improvement in their lives.
Although I refuse to let their actions define me, losing your parents to suicide doesn’t go away…ever. I am not looking for sympathy, only maybe better understanding of my process and how I relate to the foster population. I realize that I am living in the wrong place for grass roots social justice movements, but I have to believe that we can achieve. Even if it’s a mantra I have to adopt, I must live in the solution. To achieve; in many mediums to do our jobs as advocates and to finish our film.
Thank God for Rachel. At least I know there is one person in the world I can say anything to who understands me from my core. On the rare occasion I am really stuck in the shame/flashback spiral cycle, I reach out to her. She is great at helping me sort my thoughts out. I’ve never felt this kind of both rage and outrage before, or maybe I just suppressed it. But it’s leaking a little out of the cracks. I don’t want to be that person, and I don’t want anyone who has been put down to feel this helpless way. How do these amazing, resilient young people do it?
What are our first world problems that so consume us that we ignore innocents beings consumed and institutionally processed under our own nose? I don’t but I can only speak for myself. I used to get caught up in stress. My top on my convertible top is broken. My son has a study path from arts to American history. My husband and I rarely get along but I’m in a safe place within a beautiful neighborhood. When I get sick, I have insurance to see real doctors. I’m typing on a Macbook quad core Pro that the campaign paid for.
It’s easy to feel down and forget that whatever I am dealing with, it’s probably a dream to a child fending for daily survival. Then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and just want to crawl into a corner and not come out. I’m scared of all of this but I always do get back up. I’m lucky I’m made of some unidentified, supernatural matter that just keeps surviving. But that doesn’t change anything for the kids who are trapped in this bureaucracy. I can imagine what they feel very easily.
So please, when you see our posts and pass by without a like, comment or share, its like passing by a child on the street in need of help. Say something! We have no idea who reads our stuff and who doesn’t because there is so little social media response. And as we know, social media is contagious. If we get more comments and likes, others will want to know what it’s about. It takes nothing for you but could make all of the difference in the momentum of the campaign.
don’t forget to check out our brand new site kindredmovie.wix.com/kindred.
And do something selfless for someone today…see how it makes you feel. A random act of kindness. Then take that shine and multiply it by a thousand. That’s how it feels for me when I know I am an active part of the solution.