Well that was interesting. And painful. The child in my mind had to pack up her emotions and move without warning or consultation. I got booted from a friendship I thought I had. And told how she was trying to spare my feelings and that certain people have very strong feelings about me. But then also said how it was a surprise party. I’m moving past it and using it to find the lessons in my experience. She accepted no responsibility for blowing off my big night we planned to have which had nothing to do with her other friends. But this is the pettiest of adolescent behavior. And my ‘friend’ must have no spine to choose her own friends or she was lying to me every time we interacted. Sparing my feelings would have been to be honest with me. Everybody has the right to like or not like anybody they want, but don’t lead someone on that you’ll be there for someone with no intention of actually doing it.
Then, I thought about the road that I am on; of charity and self-discovery. This whole unnecessary episode could really be used as a teachable moment. If I felt so low I was just slumped on the sofa, like I got punched in the gut. What must it do to children when they are being traded from one residence to another? Unwanted. Abandoned. Unworthy. My little adventure into suburban sabotage and being without a family are at two different levels. I recently got a taste of being left out and lied to. And I’m grateful for it.
It was an opportunity if I made it one. I got both a lessons in abandonment, demonstrating again I was not abandoned by my parents and my real friends are some of the best people in the world who all love me very much. It also caused a purge of the people that don’t deserve my friendship or time. And there is definitely somebody poisoning the well here as this has happened in lesser degrees before. People get to know me and it’s all good and then poof! They have no use for me. Incredible I could be describing life in state managed care. It sounds like complete paranoia. But no, adult women behaving this way. Ones that really have no business pointing fingers at anybody. I did nothing wrong but no one deserves that type of behavior. Depending upon the resilience of the recipient, the feelings of isolation and being discarded could lead to suicide. Especially in a family with a strong history of it. It reminded me of being teenager and it didn’t feel very good.
For a child taken from or without a suitable family, being shuffled around in an audition-like process is how placements are made. There is no control of what the adults around you decide to do to you. You are confused and powerless. Some are left completely unable to form lasting bonds because they have convinced themselves that nobody wants them around or they will be left again. So they put a wall up. My wall is going up as well. Not fully, it has a drawbridge for the beloved to traverse.
So, to the ladies who caused intentional pain over a simple party and the person it was for; thank you. I was letting my guard down and I have to be much more selective with whom I bond; like a foster or parentless child, which I am. It hardened me a bit. I always feel that need to belong and in the picture from the now infamous party, I knew half the women and had thought I was friends or at least friendly with them too. If “people have strong feelings”, they are too afraid to tell me straight and take this tact instead, screw them. There will be times I will be left out or not make the cut or not get the movie deal or the next big passion project and I will have to let it roll off of my back. This is a pimple in comparison but a good one to learn to pop properly.
That’s the best comparison, these ladies are puss. These people all know I lost my parents tragically, my health has been a nightmare, my marriage is constant source of stress. I am not complaining at all. I am simply stating that I have been through a lot and these women know it. To behave like that to someone like me makes it even more malevolent. Losing my folks under violent circumstances changed me. But it’s all part of the plan. I don’t want any sympathy, that’s not why I am sharing all this. It’s a parallel to the lack of care situation.
A year from now, I intend to have the film in the can and be traveling for promotion. I want to be raising awareness and money for the cause. And while I am doing my thing, I practice letting go. Of anything I have to. Just like a foster child. I hope these people, for lack of a better term, get exactly what they deserve. I refuse to sink to their level. If only they realized that they could be involved in helping these kids, they would know now amazing it feels to contribute positivity into the world.
The kids need items now, not just at holidays. It’s getting cold up north and there is no oversight that the funds allocated for a foster child are actually spent on that child. So they often lack proper apparel for school and sports. Many are in need of the most basic items; warm coats, good sneakers, books but wishes have been as large as air conditioning for the upstairs of where a child was placed. Heaters are another request. These should be no brainers; the parents or institution should be responsible to supply those things.
It’s the questions that mess us up. “What’s wrong with me”, “I don’t deserve good friends,” “Nobody wants me around,” “Why should I even hang around?”, ” Life hurts too much,” “Would anybody really care or would they just put on the old, ‘if we had just known, we would have helped’ crap.” I know there are people that care about me vey much but when isolated and fed a whole bunch of negative energy, it can mess with your head.
The point is to help before tragedy strikes. As the Dali Llama said, “The purpose of life is to help others, but if we can’t help at least not to hurt them.” So, for the kids there are many local organizations where you can donate weather appropriate clothing and shoes/boots. You will be doing an invaluable service and I guarantee you will actually feel your heart grow two sizes.
Next, we have a new website and a brilliant blog written by Bonnie Stears, co-star of KINDRED and foster alumni. These’s much more information about us, the project, our goals, voices filled with links to articles about the production and the pervasive mismanagement of the current system. We need your help to make it happen. Please visit our website kindredmovie.wix.com/kindred. It’s got brand new content so even if you saw the last, this is very different.
At the end of the film, we will see how Mike has grown and life has changed in a year. The things he has experienced and home he has helped make are phenomenal. His life is completely unrecognizable from the teen who entered my life two years ago.
Then again, my life is pretty different too. So to sum it up; working for others like this rocks, there’s lots going on, mean people suck, I’m not perfect but anybody would deserve better treatment than that and best of all…our new site looks amazing! Thank you Rachel for designing it! You did a great job!
Please look for us on twitter @KINDREDmovie, our Kindred Facebook page, indiegogo.com.projects/KINDRED and kindredmovie.wix.com/kindred.