I had no idea what my soul signed me up for. Taking on the cause of the situation in foster care, it scares me to death to be honest. I’m a big softy and I cry at movies. Even ones I’m not supposed to. I get very invested when the picture is truly able to momentarily suspend my disbelief. The very idea of violation against children makes me wince. So, it feels like I can’t swim and I’m diving off of a cliff. Taking on a paralyzing fear while having other people’s lives riding on it, that can be rough on my ridiculously over-anylitical mind.
Last week, I was watching The Delivery Man with my fourteen year old son and when(sorry to spoil), he goes to see the one of his kids that looked like he had cerebral palsy and was institutionalized, I started crying. I just broke out in quiet tears. My kid looked at me and asked what was wrong. I hugged him and told him nothing was. I explained how it was okay, that I was just so grateful that my son is walking and talking on his own. Even though at this age there are moments where I have to remind myself that he’s having hormone changes and I get it. I’ve had to deal with menstruation since my thirteen birthday itself. Nice gift. Even when his Jersey birthright of cursing is rearing it’s foul visage. So the real facts of what I have become versed in, the images are harsh on me.
Now, we have the opportunity to do more interviews in San Francisco and New York. We have no funds left to do it with. When I did our first budget, I completely lowballed it. I had no real understanding of the levels of activity that need to occur between filming the production and finalizing it to be marketed to a venue. There’s about five hundred to one thousand dollars needed for Rachel to travel to San Francisco or I go to NYC. Double if we actually get to work together.
This is a very complex intersection for me. While I know I’ve tattooed this to me, it’s getting more and more real and it’s intense. I mean we should be so lucky that this becomes something. So many kids could have real mentors or art programs or ideal, a family if KINDRED hits. The awareness and change that has already happened is worth every suck it up and face it moment. I can empathize because my adoption by my mother’s second husband was reversed(YEAH)during his divorce from my mom when I was 17. So while this isn’t about me, it hits me where I live. Like a magnet, it pulls me toward talking about it almost everyday and making this project. It’s exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. And still very emotional so that I have to remove myself from in order not to shut down on it. I can only take so much.
I’m trying. I truly am. So is Rachel while holding down a full time job, marriage and the care of Mike at his intersection between high school and college. Something only 1-2% of children that are placed in foster care ever get to experience. Less than 2%, that’s disgraceful. They are our country’s children and we need to do better by them. I love dogs, seriously, I’m a big animal person, and when I learned how much money, I don’t remember the exact figure but it was in tens to hundreds of millions, is spent on dog costumes, I gasped out-loud. Yes. It’s adorable, really. And I get it. But that money could be put to such a more important purpose. I think something like this scares other people too. Animals are much less intimidating than looking into a child’s eyes who’s just had to be taken from a home where the mom was turning tricks and they got abused as well. I heard that from several of the people I’ve interviewed. All I can do is shake my head.
So, now it’s early June. We were going to try to submit to Sundance but that would give us an August deadline and, anything is possible, but I don’t see it happening. I’ve posted a clip from a raw interview for the first time today and it’s getting a descent amount of views. But who can tell…I think people find me controversial and hang back from making their opinions known at times. I’ve never really fit in, although I do have a handful of the most wonderful friends in the world. They inspire me to continue to fight my fear and sail forward. Even this little ripple that we have caused has begun to have aftershocks and a couple of lives are being changed. Imagine what it could do if it were a tsunami. Now I grab a board and I invite you to flow with us. Let’s see where this leads. And please pass along the awareness of the situation. I’m one of the most uniquely qualified women to call myself hip to loss and crime and culture and pain. I had no shred of a clue.
For more information on KINDRED please go to KINDREDmovie.com for our initial trailer, message and connection to this blog and funding or go to Indiegogo/projects/KINDRED but either way, please read the story of how we got this far and why your help is indispensable to the end result of this collective work.