What a journey this process is. It’s definitely a roller coaster, amazing highs and unexpected dips that take your body out from under you. This has been one of those weeks. It was plain screwed up from the beginning of last week. Full of full on contradictions that forced me to question everything; it is a lot more work and wearing more hats than I should at times. Having things slip past me that, because of the commitment we stand behind, are my responsibility to accept. It’s all on us, that can be unbelieveably complex.
So I must question my continued promise that this cause will be one of my causes for the rest of my life. In my exhaustion and self-anylasis, there are moments where I experience a crisis of faith and worthiness. This is one lofty goal on a target far away. We have to be all in, especially me. While we share the vision for the film, in my eleven interviews and counting, I’ve learned more about production than I had during years in Hollywood.
My style is evolving organically and I’m so present when filming, it’s the easiest thing to hold my immediate attention. When shooting, I’m paying attention on a level that is usually effort full work. I’m easily captivated by the words of my interviewees. I loose myself in what I am witnessing, I think that’s part of my job and lesson here. I am here to stand witness for these kids. As much as it scares me, I face the demons of these innocent little beings everyday. The stories make me sick. As twisted as it sounds, I hope it makes you sick too. Seriously, for most of us our absolutely worst moments of our worst days are better than the best moment scratched out of theirs.
My week sucked, for many reasons. It was just one of those minefield walks where no matter where I stepped, shit blew up. Some of them little things about our little film that Rachel is right about. I need a thicker skin. I need to be on my game. I need to be constantly grateful my problems are my problems. Even the petty, vindictive things done by others must be beneath me. As of the date of my dearly departed ultra-tiger mom’s birthday, I got a wish. I actually got a wish I thought I had no chance at, much less all of my initial indiegogo budget coming through on that very day. I was amazed and it changed the day forever. For that, I am eternally grateful.
The answer is yes, I do want this project to work and this company to start successfully, I’ll take what’s behind door number 3, even though I know it’s got a high chance of being a donkey in a sombraro. Once in a while you can get your delight in the strangest of places if you look at it right. I will make it work. It is right and just. I have to have faith that the universe has my back on this one. Honestly, I feel more chosen than anything.
I needed this to reset my head. Thank you! I held a great interview yesterday locally and made a wonderful ally. That’s number 11 and wow, I need to step back and appreciate my trial and error process to becoming a much better director and camera operator. And blogger. And producer. And conceptualizer. And a dozen other things I didn’t before know how to do. I have been learning! I look forward to a continuing education in directing to do the best job I am able and continue to evolve as an artist.
As for these kids, the Foster kids, the ones up for adoption, the ones who die namelessly after not being checked up on; I want this job. I give myself to it with all of my heart, and mine is tremendous thank you. The bumps and bruises to my body, anxiety and ego are worth it a million times over everyday just for a chance at helping them.
I only hope I can do it justice. Considering our current financial situation; it’s a real concern. We are applying for grants but will not know or hope-hope-hope get until we are at a deadline for submission. I’m getting back up, dusting off anything keeping me from my purpose and diving in on the deep end. We really need support to finish our filming and get the editorial process into action.
If you or you know if anybody who can contribute any amount, please use kindredmovie.com and click funding. And please continue to spread the word about the state of the Foster care system. Bring it up at your community group or place of worship, with family and friends. If a whole lot of people contribute the tiniest bit, the situation would soon be resolved. Maybe then my partner Rachel and I will get a descent nights rest. It takes effort to release the knowledge that while we are in bed with our families, most of these children are just trying to survive the night.