Number 40. This is a miracle. I didn’t run, that says everything. This experience has engaged my fight or flight for so much of it from horrible, shocking abuses to children and teens to the fact that I have no business filming it myself since I have zero training with operating camera equipment. I have close friends who are professionals that have been kind enough to steer me in right direction. But I’m really not good at electronics. After the basics I tend to glaze over. Maybe disinterest, some intimidation. Whatever it is I have to get over it. This means the world to me.
I cannot state how appreciative I am of the support KINDRED and Rachel and myself have received. We are so grateful to get the opportunity to share our vision with the world. These kids deserve to not have me have to refer to them as ‘these kids’ so often. That’s the most I can say about it. I’m not an expert on child abuse. I’m a writer. It makes me search for words to encapsulate how grave the situation actually is. Honestly folks it’s pretty disgusting and every second that anyone gives energy to raising awareness matters. That’s why I found my superpower.
It always played out as a disability. I just love to shoot my fucking mouth off sometimes. I don’t mean to. Previously I hadn’t even realized the extent to which I had the capacity to go. I blew up things that I couldn’t repair. Honestly, I’m sorry for every time I hurt someone else. I learned to curb it and withdrew from intentionally dramatic interactions. That doesn’t mean that drama didn’t happen but I didn’t and don’t look for it anymore.
So when this all came together, as I was going through the process of reading Michael’s medical files and having consistent panic attacks, I was so outraged that I couldn’t help but bring it up in almost every conversation I had. Now, instead of being narcissistic, always making whatever was happening as something to do with me it became whatever was happening had something to do with them. Many things I heard were automatically countered with, “oh that’s nothing. In foster care right now there’s kids going through so much more. Like…”. It would lead me into one or more of the horror stories I learned about what these innocent little human beings must endure.
I can hijack conversation naturally! It’s really quite a talent now that I understand it. When I talk about this, the passion comes through and it seems to effect others. I can actually sometimes see it happening as both the participant and observer. If I channel all of the Jewish princess, Jewish mother, redheaded Jersey girl into turning all of the conversation into the conversation that needs to be had, it becomes a skill. A gift. I’m a fifth degree black belt in shooting my mouth off. It gets truer every time I say it. The difference is that now, unless I am good to everyone, I am no good to anyone. And by good I mean doing this job to dispense justice for those who have been so greatly wronged by distributing information, try to prevent it from happening to others if I can and protecting the abusers from themselves by seeing that as many of them get incarcerated as possible.
Hubris. I know. Altruism but hubris, or is it? If this is indeed my gift and what I should be doing? Hubris denotes a lack of humility. However, as many people who have know me for years will totally agree upon, is is the most humble I have ever been in my entire life. This is a mission and a message that is so far beyond anything I thought I could ever handle. I have to believe what I will refer to as God, the Universe, Knowing, The Force; something profound has my back on this. If I keep going down this path, I envision and am creating a future where it will lead to a beautiful garden of Renaissance painters dreams.
That’s not to say I’m not still scared. In many ways, the bigger we get like adding beloved Brian Rund makes me surer the project will rise to the level of global attention. The more people who know who you are, the more they can try to take you apart. Plenty of people have tried to claim my mantle as khaleesi of attention driven behavior by talking about me. I’m incredibly vulnerable and that shit hurts. I wish it didn’t and I am quickly unlearning it. Maybe that’s why I am so quick to the confrontation. I’ll influence you, move you, entice you, motivate you sometimes before you can me. My fear is obviously that it would take away my power, like my parents were taken away. I have discovered that by allowing myself to be with that leads me to the greatest endurance in the world. One must be vulnerable to have true courage.
So in my surrender to my ultimate vulnerability, my superpower re-emerged. Re-envisioned. I won’t shoot my mouth off about anything except this issue and things that are worth talking about. I won’t spill one secret. I won’t slip and call a woman who actually goes out of her way against me in the Stepford community in which I currently live anything. I promise to leave all that petty crap behind for the rest of my life and focus only on making creative projects that help others. I want something for my son to inherit that makes him proud. Even though he is a teenager and hence; sometimes will turn on me in a very rude, disrespectful way; I know that he ultimately does respect me.
I know this because as we hang out at night and eat, watch T.V., he will sometimes want to be holding my hand. He tells me often how proud he is of this. He understands that this is a massive undertaking that requires a high level of confidence in self. He has said he thinks to adopt a teenager when he is older and coupled up. That’s a reflection of how this project has changed him. I’m far from perfect at anything including being a mom. I try my best. That’s what I will do with KINDRED and the projects to come. Please support our cause and I promise to rise to the challenge.
Thank you again everyone for giving us enough material for forty entries. We need the word to spread and more contributions right now. I am headed back down to Miami to re-shoot an interview with reporter Nick Nehemas. It appears the lapel mic is not working as it should be still, so I’m taking it into a silent environment. A friend is consulting with me soon. We will resolve this issue.
Next up is HUGE! We have our NYC shoot with now two young adults who grew up in foster, an adoption advocacy group and a Judge. We must extend my stay in the area to catch the judge right when she returns from a trip. This is exciting and expensive and important. My goal is to complete the fund raising as soon as possible. So I will mass post appeals in the days to come. I really hope that people can see that this hubristic, mid-life obsession is a conduit to very real change and supports us further.
I cannot say thank you enough for the gift of this entire experience. For funding please go to
http://indiegogo.com/KINDRED or you can also find the link through the Funding tab on our webite kindredmovie.com.