KINDRED #33

Managing Fear and Feelings

The last day of 2014. Wow seems like an understatement. There were many times I thought I’d never live to see this age and time. I had catastrophic medical issues and, honestly, there have been times I wanted to die. Both because of the pain in my body and the pain in my mind and heart. It’s bad enough to lose your parents(if you were lucky enough to ever have them), but suicide adds another layer. I wanted to be with my father so badly all of my life. Death took his torture of mental illness away and I believe he is his true spirit again. Somehow, his being on the other side made me feel like the crossing over would be supervised. He would create a protective doorway I could traverse.

Then I lost my mom. It’s the worst thing that ever happened to me and I’ve had some profoundly dark experiences. I cannot even write about it without emotion swelling up inside of me, bringing me to the edge of crying now. My dad died when I was so young, my mom was my world and he was my fantasy. Her death felt like all of the life that I knew, every safety and security and compass, was literally ripped out of me. I crashed hard. I couldn’t see anything past my grief. It pushed me to play chicken with death, something nobody should do. I purposely put myself in high risk situations to try to force her to rescue me the way she did when she was alive.

It’s hard for me to process all of that. I had no idea how to manage my fear and feelings in a productive manner. They ruled my life. No matter how hard I tried, the thought kept coming back. If things get too heavy, I’ll just go be with them. I saw no large value in my existence and believed that I would ultimately hurt anyone close to me. Many times I did. So, now…what do I do to with all of that? My parents are still dead. I’m alive and well. What would they want for me? What do I want for myself? What am I willing to do to get it?

They would want me to utilize every ounce of life while I can. I want to live with purpose and peace. I want to save children who are in limbo or worse. I’m willing to face all of the fear; the neurosis, sadness, pain, insecurity, need for approval…and climb through that muck like a mountaineer. I am now with this project. It means everything to me, my heart is truly permanently invested. It helped heal me without my realizing I was healing, which is the same as magic. Miraculously, working through my misgivings while focusing on the needs of others is my motion potion. In-so-far as to what my mom and daddy would want for me, it’s this.

Embracing my spirit and sharing it both publicly and with everybody around me has inoculated me. As we continue with KINDRED, I am completely reassured that I have found my purpose. The passion of fighting for a cause so much bigger than myself fills me with joy. That’s how I found my management skills; by channeling the dark, valid feelings into a positive, productive outlet. Helping others helps me as well. It helps me get closer to the serenity I’ve been seeking for so long. Just like half a million, well, all kids…the kid inside of me craves to be told she is awesome. So, now…I just tell myself. And work everyday to be it.

You are all awesome! All wonderful beings capable of millions of more things than you realize. Whatever it is you dream of, go for it while you can. No day but today. I wish you all the Happiest, Brightest New Year and thank you for following. 2015 will be the year of KINDRED and the KINDRED project. I hope you will all stay with us for the adventure!

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