KINDRED #30

Thirty entries. Some of them whimsical and some graphically dark. In essence, the underlying theme is always foster care and how to understand and help kids. It is also the Great Glass Blogavator. Just press the button and Zing! It can go almost anywhere. I pray it goes where it is needed most, into the sphere of people who can actually do something about the issue and are as passionate as I am.

The Holidays. They are beautiful but they can suck at moments. I had a long, painful moment this super-early morning. It must be written so I beg your indulgence. Beyond that, the parallel to what the kids experience will emerge.

I grew up with my mom Zena as I have explained many times. She passed from an unintentional drug interaction/overdose 16 years ago. It’s taken me this long to comprehend the depth of that loss. She was my whole twisted world. She got the bills paid. She was the immediate go-to for good or bad. She loved me and my sister with everything she had, perhaps more. Her need to provide for us was pathological. She was compelled to over-indulge and over-compensate.

It all came from a place of love but it gave my sister and me a very distorted sense of what to expect from people. 30 of my almost 43 years were spent as a tester. I would push and push to see how far I could get before I was either left or told where to get off.  Either way, I usually pushed too hard or ran from the people I truly loved out of fear they would leave me unexpectedly.

My mom left unexpectedly. It’s strange now remembering just how surreal it all was, the day my home and family was ripped away from me. It still feels like a dream when I think about it. I try not to. There have been several times that I wrote my own story of my life. Soon I will again with the acquired wisdom of middle-aged mom and author. Ordinarily, a woman in her twenties beginning her memoirs would be ridiculously premature. But I’ve had an eventful existence and it keeps continuing in that vein, so I say grab a freak flag and ride that ride. She would want me to.

This year, the birthdate of that beautiful lady was changed forever as it was the date we got an anonymous donation that paid the entire budget. I cannot express how grateful I am for that. However, nothing can stop me from wanting to think back to the life I had with her. She was my home. She was my closest confidant. She was brilliant. She was sad almost all the time. She had many reasons she never dealt with. I have the strongest longing to get a flight to Newark and driving back home to North Brunswick. Only, what I am running to no longer exists. It’s the biggest component of ‘back home.’ And it’s gone.

My home is now with my forever family. My husband, son, closest friends and a handful of relatives. I am grateful for all of it. However, it is important to acknowledge grieving in all it’s forms. It’s healthier to have one good cry and maybe write a blog about it than to stifle and suppress the pain until it consumes you from the inside out.

I miss her. I always will but today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke at 4am, feeling like something has knocked the wind out of me. I came downstairs and began to sob. The real, from your soul crying that only comes from love and loss. I honor that it came to the foreground of my mind for a reason. It is how my family and life was ripped away. We all have our story about that. While 26 may sound like and technically be an adult, I was’t even close. I had never paid a bill, hell I rarely even ever saw them. All I knew at the time was how to go to her. And suddenly, she was gone. And worse, at her own hand. Accidental or not, it was the drugs. All of them. Including the addiction to everyone’s favorite greenery. No, money.

All I can do is what is for the greatest good of me and my family now; continue to let it go. Any moment I am lost in thought, I’m not truly with them and I want to be. It would be nice if things could be different; to be in a world with both my mom and my son. She would have made the most doting grandma. My rules would be out window and he would be spoiled like crazy. They would have the most special bond, one I could not break. It breaks my heart knowing he will never laugh with her, play with her, cry in her arms, keep secrets from me together. But I know she loves him even more than she loved me. Instead of an aging yenta who lives here he has a guardian angel that exists beyond. I truly believe that.

I miss you mom, more than I can express. I know all is as it needs to be and will be well. I would just love to hug and smell and tell my mom one more time how much I love her.

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