We are going to mixing up who is writing the blog posts, so we will identify them accordingly. Please do not look for any great insight from my entries, Rachel is the miracle adoptive mama in this partnership. This may as well be a journal entry. When I brought this point up, I was reminded that our budget didn’t allow for a traveling therapist and even for the saltiest of sailors, this will require mental heavy lifting.
…so this could work. ~Amy
There are some days you wake up possessed with the knowledge that there is something that you are meant to be doing. For me, today, that was to remember why I am doing KINDRED. Yes, I remember everyday. But life has a way of wearing you down, adding layers of mesh and dirt. It’s easy to lose sight of one’s goal moment to moment, and I have so many moments and they can be oh, so different in color.
That is not to imply that I am overly emotional. I just don’t know what a normal, boring life looks like. It used to be something I over-emphasized as a way of coping, now I embrace what it really is, a blessing. It’s a gift that in the span of one lifetime; in the span of one day I get to feel so much elation and joy and anger and pain and love. Those feelings mean that I am alive. I am drinking the wine that is the essence of the human experience.
Now what I choose to do about those feelings is something else. That’s part of why I chose to do KINDRED and give my heart to something I truly care about. Why did I commit to this? What do I want to do with it? What really matters to me? I want to prove that anyone can choose to overcome and rise above anything. I want to make sense of all of the trauma of losing my parents to suicide(side issue) while, at the same time, devote my time, energy and talent to a cause that will leave a legacy of people committing themselves to helping others and making the world a better place.
So, how do I remember that amid the chaos? What I used to do when I was acting to learn my part in a play was to memorize the entire play so could forget the script and just be in the moment. That peace and presence only exists when I am doing something I love. I love KINDRED, I love Mike and I love the prospect of being able to help foster children. That is what I need to remember today and everyday. I am doing what I love. Luckily, I found something that I love which is also karmicly aligned and in the end, not about me at all.
There’s a lot in my life, in the life of the KINDRED project, in Rachel and Mike’s lives that is about to happen. We can all feel it. The people around us and who are close can feel it. It’s exciting and scary like a roller coaster just climbing and clicking towards a precipice. But it’s not quite time yet, so we keep climbing. It’s an exercise in more patience and faith. It’s almost tantric. We have learned to be patient people but when you are this excited about something, you want it to happen NOW, and life just doesn’t work like that.
Today I remembered that, while no tomorrow is ever promised, if I stay the course and do my job, the will be a tomorrow where one more child doesn’t have to suffer because I faced my fears and did this project. Because Mike, my hero, was brave enough to share his truth. Because Rachel and Kim opened their hearts to a child who was labeled unsafe and unadoptable. Because, despite the dirt and the mesh and the mistakes and bruising along the way, there is light and hope at the end of this journey. There’s something so bright and so far I can’t even see it yet. But I have to have faith that I will. One step at a time.