Oh wow is this a process and a half. I’m overwhelmed by the entire prospect of screwing up. Of course, that is also a self-fulfilling prophesy I have to acknowledge and release so it doesn’t happen. It won’t. I’m laughing at my own insecurity as I’m texting with a friend writing this and relating to her to trust me on my film choice to see, I’m a filmmaker. This project will determine if that is in the cards. Or it is merely my part to play to pass the project on. To be the dealer, so to speak.

The jam that has kept me going during workouts and depressions and I’ve referenced to Mike, Eminem’s Without Me. The chorus is a punch to the gut of everything that Underoos promise!

I said this looks like a job for me

So everybody, just follow me

Cause we need a little,


Cause it feels so empty,

without me.

I hope to meet Marshal one day so that I can thank him. My dream is to have a jamming fundraising celebration party for KINDRED with our NPO, have it be a party for Mike and all the kids we can to celebrate the life they have fought to keep. I see feather boas, balloons, bubbles, beach balls, some glitter for good measure…just to ensure the magic lasts!

There are so many good reasons to pursue this project to the ultimate conclusion. I can think of only one reason not to; me. Am I sane enough to do this? Honestly? I’m pretty well adjusted at this point yet this kind of test, and yes it is a TEST, makes you question how far you are able to go. As a mother, this stuff gets to me terribly. As a survivor or dual parental suicides, that will gnaw at someone’s psyche as well. It’s horror. Such bad images that I wish they didn’t exist. But they do. So, what now? Do I take the bad images, meditate on a nightly basis, obtain a good psychiatrist and independent therapist or fold? Pretend they don’t exist, it’s not happening, I smell nothing burning, and say I can’t handle it?

I choose column A, well I chose it a while ago but time is a relative term in my world. I’ll take this on, with Rachel as my partner and back-up. And God-feaking-bless that woman! Wow, the power of love and empathy and her strength she blows my mind. To have a person that knows my heart and my way of thinking is a real help is deciphering all of this new, raw material. I wrote a small piece on adolescent suicide recently and she privately commented to me how my existence is a testimony to my parents love for me. That my evolution as a warrior couldn’t be a finer memorial and vehicle for change.

The next change I want to see is in the amount we raise. I hope we get a closer to our stretch goal, but I, we, KINDRED, are grateful have what we do. We are going to put it to good use in effectively making the documentary as tight as we can. Yes, movies needs all kinds of trimmings. I’m well aware, that is why I am completely sure that really, boiled down, this story is so compelling, if forced all I will need is the camera and the means to get to Mike. The rest is in hands much more powerful than mine.

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